I've had an interesting opportunity for introspection recently.
I was talking with my husband tonight about how back in college I was "that hippie girl" who recycled and cared about organic produce and gardening. I was unique back then. It was my identity. Granted, I was in Colorado Springs which isn't known for its forward-thinking trends... but either way, it was who I was. Now, I live in Boulder County. The opposite of Colorado Springs. City Composting is the bare minimum that everyone does. Now, not only am I the same as everyone else around me I am significantly less passionate and dedicated than a fair number of people.
It's been a consistent theme in my life to not have one specific passion that I'm driving towards. I dabble in lots of different things and therefore don't give myself fully to anything. I've always been envious of those people who were able to throw themselves into a cause. Without fear of shame or judgement. It's very impressive. It takes significant confidence and conviction. Both of which I seem to lack.
I just finished my first week of orientation in my new job in the Intensive Care Unit. It's a job that has intimidated me for my entire career, but I finally gathered the confidence to apply for the position and was hired. I was intimidated for good reason. Honestly, it's not the patient care that intimidates me. Yes, it's intense and I know that I will (often) find myself in over my head, but I understand patient care - I understand how hospitals work and there is always a team there striving for the best outcome for the patient. Honestly, what's intimidated me for so many years are the people. ICU nurses are very confident people. They have to be, right? They are caring for the sickest people in the hospital and need to have the authority and conviction to get shit done. However, oftentimes it seems like that conviction is misplaced.
So here I am wondering how I am going to keep my personality and my own convictions (however weak they may be) among very strong, passionate people. I find myself wondering yet again if I have the guts to do what I want. Be an ICU nurse. Be as close to zero waste in the home as possible. Do I have the guts?
